Hello my lovelies! It is January 9th already, can you believe it?
To nobody’s surprise, the year hasn’t been going in my favor. Less than two weeks in and I already feel myself failing. So I thought to myself, “Courtney, what IS consistent about your life? What is something that you could never fail at, even on your worst day?” And the answer was simple. Being a crazy bitch.
Literally. And I find no shame in it. It is something I talk about, often and to as many people who are willing to listen. Instead of cowering behind it, I decided to raise awareness about my situation.
It started with severe depression at a very young age. Too young, really. And not depression as in just sad. But suicidal thoughts. Feelings of unworthiness. An overwhelming numbness. I started acting out, withdrawing from my mom, who I had always been close with. I went through the steps. School counselor. Family therapist. Self help. Despite my (or my mom’s, really) preventative measures, things continued to get worse.
And then something happened. Overnight, the heavy feeling in my body had vanished. The girl who woke up that day was a girl who I had never met.
This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. I deemed this part of me “Courtney Hype.” I don’t know why I chose Hype. I guess that was just how I felt at the time. Hype. Elated. Euphoric.
Now, “Courtney Hype” was overly confident. I made rash decisions and did hoodrat things with my hoodrat friends. My behavior was reckless. My grades slipped. I had a grandiose plan for the future, and no one could tell me any different.
I believe my mom noticed these changes before I did. My mom is a brilliant woman who was studying to get her degree in (psychology, therapy, drug addiction, all that good stuff) so she was aware of the signs of mania. I went to a psychologist and this lady had the nerve to tell me I had Bipolar Disorder, Type 1. This was about 10 years ago.
So for 10 years (if not more), I’ve dealt with this split personality bullshit. Okay, it isn’t literally that I have split personalities or they would have diagnosed me with something much more serious, but that is exactly what it feels like. There is low me, and there is high me.
Every single day is a struggle of balance. I never know how I am going to feel, even when I try my hardest to track my cycles of depression and mania.
And this is where the concept of this blog comes in.
It is extremely difficult for me to be consistent with anything, even my career. Writing is one of the most important aspects of my life. It is my career, my hobby, my passion. But even with that knowledge, I go days and weeks without sitting down and actually writing something.
I’ll (try my very best) to post in this series twice a day. Once with my morning coffee and in the evenings when I settle down to work on my book(s). I’ll do 15-30 minutes words sprints about where I am at and how the day played out in the hopes that I can help myself while helping others as well.
I know there are people like me out there. If I can do it, maybe it will shine a beacon of hope for those who don’t think they can handle it anymore.
This is the morning of Day 1. I am feeling somewhat motivated. Not high, but not low. These are rare days for me. I would like to get the house cleaned, make a nice meal for my husband, get the laundry done, and write for at least 6 hours total. 5.5 left.
Wish me luck.