Day two of this experiment. I hope you weren’t looking forward to something extra positive today.
I don’t want to say I lied in my last post, but after shutting down my laptop for the night, I stayed up much later than I should have. After taking Bella out, I binge watched some Shameless and ate a giant bowl of cereal. I was in bed by 3A.M. but I couldn’t fall asleep to save my life. I laid there tossing and turning for most of the night.
I wonder how heavily my sleeping patterns influence my mood.
The husband noticed it first. I hadn’t even gotten out of bed before he kissed me and told me not to be grumpy today. There was a pang of guilt as I realized this probably happens more than I thought. I often wake up irritable and I take it out on him a lot. It starts with a slight attitude that broils into red hot anger over the course of the day.
I like to think that the ability to recognize these behaviors and patterns gives me power. Strength in a sense, to take control of the situation and do what needs to be done in order to retain my composure. This really only works during the depression phase of the cycle. Mania is a whole new monster (and another story for another day.)
I am thankful to be low right now. It is much easier to deal with and be dealt with. Weird, right? Who is thankful for their depression?
People who can go from 0 to 100 on the drop of a dime.
That won’t be the case for me today (fingers crossed.) After sleeping for a few more hours, I got up to face the day. I jumped on facebook to see what was going on with everyone and I saw a status that instantly shook me.
My step mom has been having a very hard day today. Now, before I go into detail, I should probably tell you this; we have had a strange relationship from day one. I used to hate her (and not like how most kids hate their parent’s new spouse.) But over the last few years, I have gained a lot of respect for her. She has taken on the responsible of being a parent figure to not only me, but my 3 siblings as well. That takes a really big heart. And a lot of patience. No matter how shitty I have been towards her in the past, she is always there for me. My ups, my downs. My dad’s ups and downs. It takes a strong woman to insert yourself somewhere in which you clearly don’t feel welcome. But she did, and for that, I am thankful. I couldn’t imagine a life without her now.
I wasn’t aware that she was in such a bad spot with her own mental health. Sometimes, I can be pretty selfish. I forget that people I am close to share the same sort of imbalances that I do. So I called her. We talked until she was calm. I offered her a few different suggestions and reminded her that I was always here for her.
It pains me to be so far away from my family. I wish I could be there for them.
One thing I pride myself in is my ability to empathize. I get it. 100%. And I know how hard it is for both the sufferer and their loved ones. Sometimes, all you can do is call them. Tell them you love them and remind them that they are not alone.
As for my day, I am not going to plan anything outside of my twice daily rambles. If I get anything done, I’ll feel that much better about it at the end of the day. On my more fragile days, I don’t set goals. I’d be setting myself up for failure if I did. There is nothing more disappointing than failing yourself.
Day 2 Part 1, out. See ya tonight.