Hello my lovelies! It is Day 3 of my overly personal public diary!
Last night was rough. I posted Day 2, Part 2 a bit earlier than I typically would have because I was really struggling to keep it together. I made it through the rest of the night with no issues other than the fact that I could not stop thinking about death (more on that later, who would have guessed there were so many sensitive subjects for me?)
Mood wise, I am a bit elated this morning. I don’t feel out of control, but then again I have only been awake for about 30 minutes.
There are 3 things in particular on my mind today. If I didn’t talk about them, this would probably be a pretty dull read.
Firstly and personally, I wear my husband’s hoodies over my own. I could have 6 clean and ready to wear, but if he has a single one available, that is the one I am picking. I am sure it irritates him a little bit. I compare it to when my little sister’s would steal my clothes. The main difference there is why. My sister would argue that my clothing was “cute” or she had nothing to wear. If someone ever thought to ask me, “hey Courtney, why do you always wear your husband’s hoodies?” (Alternatively, I steal his pj pants and sweats too.) The answer would be simple. And probably the creepiest sentence I have ever typed. Wearing his hoodie is like wearing him.
See? Creepy. But hear me out. It makes me I feel safe and protected. I am reminded of the ways he smells, his hoodie replicates his warmth without him physically being around me. They make me feel small (yes, he is actually taller than me!) Wearing his hoodie make me feel better when I am low, like I am not alone. They remind me that I have a man who provides all of these wonderful things that a person like me needs.
Secondly, I feel like I need to take the time to thank my readers. I honestly did not expect anyone to read this series. Or my articles. Or my poetry. It is very motivating to know that you are a positive influence to others. I’ve received a lot of “wow, you are very courageous to lay out your insecurities like this.” The main goal here is to reach out to people who are like me and feel alone. The people who are difficult to love. The people who are difficult to explain. I have also come to understand that these have been helping not only those who are the victims of manic depression, but their friends and family as well.
It is difficult to explain exactly what is going on to the people around you. Many of them don’t understand that it isn’t a choice to be like this. The don’t get why we’re so sad or how we can flip the script in seconds. For example, my grandpa’s wife. I had never met her before, but she added me on facebook (mind you, this was at a time in which I didn’t even understand what the fuck my problem was.) I went about my social media life as per usual, chock full of cuss words and complaints. And then my dad and I had a very public falling out. I didn’t notice, but she had deleted me after a while. I was pretty offended.
This year, we met in person. I like to think she loves the crap out of me. But we had to get passed the elephant in the room before we could proceed with our relationship. She was honest. She didn’t appreciate the way I spoke about my dad. I was belligerent and disrespectful. I had two choices. Explain myself and attempt to mend the relationship, or get over it and axe my “new” family. So, I opened up. I told her about my disorder and the situation that had led up to those events. I explained the struggle I had keeping myself attitude balanced. She could have taken this as an excuse for poor behavior, but instead she accepted who I am.
Sometimes, you just gotta sit down and tell them what is what.
I am honored to be the voice of so many. Over the past year, I have received an overwhelming amount of support regarding this journey. My friends, my family, my followers. I couldn’t do this without you.
Lastly, I wanted to touch base regarding my writing itself. I don’t feel like doing it right now. It is an issue I struggle with constantly. I need to do it. I want to do it. I just don’t feel like doing it. I am only mentioning this because I am positive that my mood is influencing my ability to write.
These daily blogs aren’t bad, as I am just laying it out as I think it. It is exactly what I keep calling it. An overpersonal public diary. The most intimate form of free writing. So this comes easy.
But the book is sitting idle. “Forgive My Gypsy Heart” and “The Royal and The Sage” are being neglected. I have stopped publishing for Puckermob temporarily.
The most I can do is sit in front of a blank screen and hope the words start flowing.
As for the day! I am planning to shower (duh) and clean. Not much else so far. It is rainy and muggy out here in SoCal, but fear not. This will not affect me today.
Catch ya on the flip side!