Well. Today is blah.

I’m not feeling too hot. I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t really been eating (a poptart and 4 bites of queso Tuesday, a handful of fries yesterday.) My house is a wreck from all of the unpacking and sorting. I am just waiting for the husband to say something.

I have a morning routine. Get up, go pee, turn on the Keurig, then take Bella out. Come back in, make my coffee, and then step out to my “office.” I’ll scroll through FB as I smoke a cigarette and drink my first cup of coffee for the day. From there, I’ll do an hour of writing.

It usually goes downhill after that.

I want to clarify, this is not to be confused with laziness. Depression is debilitating. I experience loss of interest in things I truly enjoy doing (believe it or not, I love cleaning.) I become fatigued and lethargic. I am slow and have a difficult time concentrating on the most simple of tasks.

This needed to be said. Because it sucks when someone accuses you of being lazy. Fortunately, my husband is understanding, but for most, they don’t have this kind of support system. Mental illnesses (not just bipolar disorder) affect many aspects of day to day life. There is no control over the chemical imbalances in your brain unless you are on something to stabilize it. And mental illness comes in many forms.

My ability to understand the irregularities in a victim’s personality and behavior has really helped me see people differently. I used to think that people acted the way they do because they were just shitty individuals. I even thought that about myself for the longest time.

Then I started to step back and look at the bigger picture.

I watched a video the other day of an Uber driver flipping shit on his passenger. A younger me would have been like “damn, what an asshole.” But as I watched and listened, I noticed the passenger being very condescending. My mind instantly jumped to my own episodes of mania. The screaming, the crying, the uncontrollable shaking, a rage that I could not let go of. These episodes are easily triggered. So I wondered, maybe he has some sort of bipolar issue as well?

So that is how I see people now. I assume they have a mental illness before anything else. This allows me to empathize. Now, I know this isn’t always the case. Some people are naturally douchebags. But you never really know. Maybe they are just having a shitty day?

I am planning to spend majority of the day working on my novel. The 31st is getting closer by the second and I have goals, damnit.

Until tonight, farewell.

Advertisements