Does it really surprise anyone when I disappear for a day or two?
I mean, it happens often enough. But something is different this time around. Now that I have welcomed others into my head, I don’t just disappear from social media. I temporarily disappear from their lives.
And I never really thought about it like that until I received a message from one of my readers today. It was simple in theory, but you know how I love to read between the lines.
“I’ve been following your blog for the last week and I noticed you haven’t posted anything in a couple days. Just thought I would let you know I look forward to reading more about your struggles and the ways you are learning to cope with them. I hope everything is okay.”
At first, I was like, um yeah?! Everything is fine. But it isn’t. I know that. You know that.
So I want to thank you for asking. I did not realize that these blogs would cause worry to anyone, especially my dear readers.
I have touched on the highs and the lows. I’ve explained lethargy and the some of the feelings associated with severe depression. And I will continue to do so. At times, this series may seem a bit redundant, but life itself is redundant. The thing about cycles is that they always come full circle.
At this point in time, I am trying to onset my mania. While this may be unwise, it is something I need to do for myself. (1. My husband thinks I am nuts. 2. I don’t even know if this is possible.)
During my periods of depression, I deplete. So when I am absent, this is most likely the reason. That last week has been filled with lows. Sometimes they aren’t as bad, but the days really suck me dry.
I am tired of being tired. I’ve spent the majority of the last couple of days trying to sleep. Going to bed early, trying to sleep late. Taking multiple naps a day. While this has helped tremendously with my physical symptoms, I am still exhausted. I don’t feel like I can sleep enough.
So I welcome mania with open arms. I don’t just want to be manic for a time. I need to be manic.
I need the energy that mania provides. I need the grandiose mindset that motivates me to complete one project after another. I need the focus and clarity I only seem to find during my euphoric episodes.
I have tried to just get my butt in gear. I have made conscious efforts to get out of the house. I have done little things around the apartment that needed doing, in hopes that it would provide a sense of accomplishment that would motivate me to do more.
Clearly, that didn’t work.
Today, I am on the pursuit of finding a way to duplicate a manic episode. I have roughly 2 weeks to finish the editing stages of my novel. This is something I have to accomplish. Not only for myself but for my husband and my family.
I have quit enough things to know that I don’t want to quit anymore.
P.S. The featured image on today’s post is the first beach sunset that I had ever witnessed. Somehow, it accurately depicts how I feel right now. I’m sure I’ll elaborate on that in a poem or something. But for now, enjoy. 🙂