Because that is what they are there for.

My husband and I have decided that it is time I seek professional help.

I’ll be honest here. I reveal far more in my blogs than I do in real life. It is extremely hard to vocalize exactly what I go through, but tonight, I did it. I told my husband about my ever persistent thoughts of suicide.

Know this, after my last failed attempt, I will not go through with it. I have too much to live for. I have a family who would be devastated. A husband who would blame himself. Friends who would be so very confused. Readers who look up to me.

But the idealization is still there and it is taking a detrimental toll on my health.

For a while now, I have felt in control of my mental illness. I thought that the steps I had taken had led me on the closest path to recovery that there is; coping.

As it turns out, you can only cope for so long.

I have been racking my brain, trying to figure out how to fix myself, how to “get over it.” Nothing has been working. As a matter of fact, things have been getting much worse.

In the past, I have lied and manipulated my way out of a psych ward many times. I fear I will be admitted if I am truly honest with a professional. So I have fudged the truth. I made things out to be mild. The last thing I want is inpatient treatment.

I have suffered with this illness long enough to know where I stand and what I am capable of. Personally, these thoughts are just a symptom of a much larger problem. I know what I need to do.

That being said, if you feel as I do, go get help. I repeat, GO GET HELP. Take it from me. Suicide is not the answer. There is always another way. Reach out to me, reach out to anyone. You are not alone.

I will continue to keep you updated on my progress. I suspect they’ll put me on medication again. I’ll most likely be seeing a psychiatrist weekly as well.

We’ll find out in a few hours.

Hang in there.

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