I’ve been putting you off for two and a half months now.

If you are still around to read this, then maybe you really do understand.

There are two reasons I came back. First, I told my mom I would do this last night. She is worried about me. And I am worried, too. Secondly, there are still more people that need this blog. People that need to know that they are not alone. People that need help. People who need a reason to keep going.

I am here to struggle with you.

Things have been great. Things have been awful. I’ll kick it off with the positives.

I drove down to Kansas for about a month. I saw my precious goddaughter. My family, my friends, some business acquaintances. I received a sweet ass job opportunity to help expand my writing career. Made it back to Cali without any hiccups. Justin has been spoiling the crap out of me.

And that is that. Nothing monumentally devastating.

But something is wrong.

With me, most likely. I want to blame it on the depression. And I would if I could truly understand. Yes, I have struggled with this mental illness for longer than I have not, but I still don’t really get it.

Depression… why now? Why me?

My psych shrugged me off when I asked for something to induce mania. Apparently “mania” isn’t the best solution for these professional folk.

But what about my profession? Do you see how depression influences my career? I wouldn’t be surprised if I got kicked from this new job of mine before I even get started.

I chain smoke and scroll through my newsfeed. You would think those are just two activities that I do, but I mean that is all I do anymore. I play the occasional round of plague and start the process all over. Every. Single. Day.

There are days when I think about taking a shower. All day. But I just can’t muster the energy it would take to go through the motions.

I have to force myself to do shit like brushing my teeth and walking my dog.

And I feel desensitized and detached. I have felt this way for months now. It is so hard for me to socialize. Even with my husband. I am callous, unresponsive. I don’t know why. I don’t want to be. I am just numb to everything.

I am starting to wonder if I should break this down into two parts…

So I am 3 months into my medication. I was finally able to get my test results to my psych and she is a tad concerned about my thyroid/lithium levels. She ordered a few more blood tests including a DNA thing which is supposed to tell us if I have any genetic markers indicating different diseases (like Graves’ or Hashimoto’s) so we’ll know which medicine not to have me on.

For now, I am still on Lithium and Seroquel. She dropped the Seroquel dosage to 25mg since I just use it to sleep. I had a choice to up my Lithium but we were more concerned about my thyroid. So she prescribed me Latuda in hopes of alleviating my depressive state. She is hoping to wean me off of the first two completely, so here is to wishful thinking.

I feel like I can go on for days but I should wrap it up.

I can’t promise that I’ll be here tomorrow, but I can promise that it won’t be another couple of months.

I am still right here with you.

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