But, that is just fine.

This is meant to be a more serious blog anyways. I’ve been writing and rewriting this particular posts for weeks now. I don’t know why, but something about right now just seems so personal. I haven’t really wanted to share my experiences as of late. Or maybe I am realizing that maybe this blog isn’t doing the positive things that I wanted it to do… Or that no one really cares.

Things are changing and it is not looking good, kids. The first paragraph in and I am clearly not the blogger that you have become acquainted with.

Something isn’t right inside of me. Ya know, I thought I hit rock bottom a couple of months ago but somehow it goes even deeper than I realized was possible.

I do want to say this. I am back on medication much to my dismay. J said that he would prefer I take it. Now I know I haven’t been around for a while but I can tell you that the medication isn’t making it better. I am getting worse. Much worse.

While the medication is, in fact, doing the job of reigning my mania in, it is also making me depressed, fat, and lethargic with a basically nonexistent libido. (Just for fun, I asked my husband how he feels I have changed since taking my medication. He responded with, I’m more blah. My moods are more consistent, but my ups and downs are growing more and more extreme.)

I’ve gained 30 pounds so my self-esteem has tanked as well as my confidence. And by confidence, I mean in all things. My abilities as a housewife and a lover. A daughter, a sister, a godmother, a friend. Even my writing. My career. My passion.

I don’t even want to publish my book anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore. Nothing makes me happy. Like, I am not unhappy… but I don’t find joy in anything. This depression has hit me so hard.

I just keep looking forward to getting my little studio back in Kansas while Justin is gone so that he or nobody else for that matter has to worry about me or what I am going through.

I’m not me anymore. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve started seeing a therapist on top of my psych. I really like her but I don’t think she is going to be able to help me.

The medicine, you guys. I warned you that this would happen. I warned everybody.

I don’t even know where to take this blog next.

Do I even continue working on it? Is this helping anyone at all? I know it isn’t all sunshine and daisies but I have to feel like this is helping someone somewhere. This is about all I have left.

You gotta tell me what to do guys.

 

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